I smell the overflowing garbage
as I pass through the front door
Dishes piled up everywhere
The kitchen is even worse than before
nail polish remover, books,
charging cables, odds and ends
clutter the couches and the floors
leaves and cigarette butts
into the carpet they blend
hiding the toilet paper,
is one way I fend
I count down until
I am the room-mate no more.
$#%^&^%$#@$%^*(*^$@!@#$%*&^%$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fallacies we achieve
Competing with make-believe
ridiculous ideas of what is reality
perfect breasts and flowing sanity,
happy little families
painted smiles on digitalized faces
when life is made of intricacies
we are made to be just what we are meant to be
acceptance is key
carrying inside complete honesty
and loving all the beautiful singularities
as well as the common themes
joy and esteem
cannot be built on Disney dreams
but on the truths of our souls
and the smiles on our faces
feeling the light radiate
and shining in all shadows within reach
holding hands and grateful for
our individual graces
and the honest, beautiful smiles on our faces
Wrote this a while ago. Finally getting around to updating this blog-thing. Working through a massive headache (see previous post), figured I would go through some of the writing I started months ago and never got back to. It’s a start.
Hands
I search for hands to hold me
the ones I wear are numb
these unfeeling limbs
wanting for security
that I should be able give
But, I am so needy
for the assurances that others give
to spare on myself, I havent any
I’m too afraid
to accept the accountability
of sheltering on my own
what have I to give?
this little girl needs
more than what she has
and I’m not at all ready
for that responsibility
even if it throbs in my veins
and reaches through my
fingers, it’s barely touching
emptiness settles into my lungs
I guide myself to those hands
aching for touch
I could hold myself
but I can’t feel
these cold hands
brittle and frail
they don’t hold me
hard enough
and I wonder if it’s them
or the body they reach for
that is without sensation
Can a chasm be closed
if its definition is a yawning fissure?
Written when I figured out that the reason I let myself feel so small is because being big is frightening at first. Self doubt, insecurity, and depression form a trio that are nearly unable to be defeated during war. But that fact that I still fight speaks volumes, if I do say so myself. I am striving for better, for peace. I have learned a lot about life and how I want to live it. I choose my battles and try to only focus on things that I can change. I am trying to let everything else run its course without letting it get to me. One little step at a time. I’m going somewhere. I am.
<3 your life, don’t take it for granted.
I wish there was more
than a hot cup of green tea,
nicotine, and a laptop filled with endless
word possibilities
to escape this pain
that travels up my spine
as if it were an amtrak railway
rushing into my brainstem
pounding through the right side of my head
its blaring whistle
churning the contents of my stomach
remnants of last nights dinner
rattle up through my esophagus
I’ll stay curled in a ball
waiting it out like winter
as my vision joins the train ride to hell
I need the lights dimmer
I’m a prisoner
with a hot cup of green tea (milk and sugar, please),
what’s left of the nicotine (I don’t think it’s helping),
fiddling with a keyboard riddled like a word search
(writing about how bad my fucking head hurts).
It’s Okay To Dream So long As You Know How Far Your Feet Will Reach
The moon was a swing
dangling from Jupiter
and I was the observer
in reverie of a ride
on that brilliant smile
emptying the remnants
of my black holes
into the black sea
My skin cannot
wear all these marred meteors
so I set them on the milky way
and let them drift away
to become sparkling pot holes
christmas lights in that dreamy ocean
there is still breathing
in the atmosphere
and I still have the capacity
but not always for much else
I will inhale the pollution
this life support
until exhaling is rust
and I will settle into the Earth
at home with the cleaners
and the blades
as they lay crumpled under me
until we blend into the
same breed, recycled
and feeding the cycles
Until Im back to the roots
I’m stepping around
falling into
climbing out of
the ruts and sink holes
Im not blazing paths
or weaving maps
I’m not a constellation
I’m dirt from the earth
speck of the universe
keeping hold
in reverie of a ride
on that brilliant smile.
I’ve got my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground…No wonder I feel so stretched out. Working and waiting, hopeful and staving off bitteress. I wont be homeless for long. I wont be someones guest for long. I will be my own. I may be riding a tornado, but it hasnt been riding me. I’m saving my money to buy tokens for a ride on a brilliant smile.
Smile, Smile, Smile. Other wise you are frowning and that just does no good at all.
It is okay to say “FUCK” a whole lot though. (Trust me, I know)
<3
Trooper
Blows in
spirals down
falls out
fucks up
52 pick up
A whirl wind
A mess
Pick them up
and toss ‘em in the wind
keep bending over
trooper
take it, take it
Wimper and fake it
Wont break my neck
as a favor for my chin
Born a boxer
the chin is strong
carries its self
Standing up
against the storm
Not your trooper
standing up
not your fucking trooper
You take it
I’m going to make it
A set back brings you to where you began so you can start again. This is a chance to learn from your mistakes and get it right the next go ’round. I’m pretty sure this must be an opportunity for me to beat the shit out of life. I’m bringing a baseball bat this time. Try to fuck me. You may penetrate, but I’m not going to stop. I won’t cry. I won’t bleed. I won’t be a victim. I’m not your trooper, I am my own. Just call me Positive Polly because I wont be bitter, defeated, regretful, doubtful, or taken down.
I have been absent. My bad. I think about you often but I’m in the midst of procrastinating like never before. That full moon did not spur me, although, I hold out hope that there are still some errant vibrations for me to absorb.
Is it odd that I actually felt better about myself when I threw up/starved daily and never slept? Well, I DO feel better with the sleep I get now.
So much change, so many growing pains. I’ve been learning a lot about myself. I can say that I am a true Capricorn. Look up all you can about a Capricorn and you will pretty much know me inside and out. My natal chart is ridiculous as well. I’m trying to take one step at a time right now. There are just SO MANY steps. I am trying to work internally, but to be honest, I have the information I just don’t know what to do with it. I can say I stand back now and see things from a larger perspective. It’s like being the human and looking down on the ant hill. I see what they are doing and I know why they are doing it. Yeah, I like being giant.But sometimes I feel bad for the ants as I watch them…are we ants?
Here is a little mash-up I put together …a sort of mini backing track for my life.
I’ve got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match.Yet…I have learned, there’s an inner peace I own. Something in my soul that they cannot possess. So I won’t be afraid and the darkness will fade. I’m an extraordinary machine. Have you ever heard me laugh so easily? It’s cause I’m growing up slowly.
Each lyric is linked to it’s song (or is supposed to be)….It’s Fall Out Boy- “What A Catch, Donnie,” Mariah Carey- “Can’t Take This From Me”, Fiona Apple- “An Extraordinary Machine”, and Maria Mena- “Viktoria”.
I Fixed the Fight and Bet on the Loser
I am Zanzibar and the extraterrestrial authors are the British Empire
I’ll never be content as a SeaStar
101 minutes are not enough to enjoy
I envy Enis’ crawling trajectory,
So many years to take in the scenery
I’m a handless warrior instigating fisticuffs
hogtied, stretching in the viscid arms of laminin
I know the whole organism is laughing at me
Rebellious Darling, shamed by mothers omniscience
Connecting question marks instead of dots
I have been watching too many clouds
From behind too many barred windows
I try to break water between my fingertips
Yes, I’m laughing, too
I am Pete Rose, dying with the hopelessly screwed, scorning giants
whose plans date back before saviors, swimming in a glycoprotein pool,
I bet on the loser in a fight I fixed myself.
I am laughing at the fool.
The Editor
I see through the layers
you are always editing
Duplicated the original
Filters over the transparency
If you will lower the contrast
and lower the clone tool
there is a glow that needs
no adjusting
You were exposed properly,
pre-processing
Please undo all your tasks
stop staring so studiously
when you forget to mask
your colors are correct,
you saturate beautifully
You will see, you are lovely.
(Cheesy, cheesy, cheesy self-esteem poem)
When I Wake
You’re illustrating my dreams
Reveries sweet with lips and limbs
no bitter taste in our tangled affections
an abridged version of a love story
derived from our hopeless intentions
of coasting on the comfort of non-commitment
Darling, it’s only you painted on the inside of my eyelids
making it hard to keep them open
At times they burn
when focused on the third line before this
so keep me asleep for now, wondering if I am,
especially when I’m not.
So dangerously close to them waking
and what will they see as they clear?
As always, Enjoy Something and Spread the Love. <3
I LOVE the feeling of falling. I find any ride that sends me plummeting to a moments fear of head on death to be relaxing. My only complaint is that they are usually over as soon as they begin. That is where the similarities between amusement rides and life end. I am tired of the current ride I am on. I have always ridden the same ride but it has reached new extremes. Roller Coasters of life simulate the feeling of falling way to realistically and on such a deeper level than amusement rides. At a theme park I am really only physically effected. This life bullshit has me in knots. I have never been so high in my life and I have never been so low, and never in such record time. If my life roller coaster could be turned into an actual ride it would attract many but I assure you that after the first go there would be no repeat customers. I am not throwing a pity party. I am actually saying that I have had enough. The ride may continue but I am making my exit.
I find myself constantly shaking. I have been eating and sleeping better (hoooooooray!), otherwise I would absolutely assume that this new symptom is related to my horrible habits. Im not entirely sure what is going on. I’m trembling as I type this. I dont think I have stopped shaking in two days. I find myself trembling when something feels good, when Im scared, nervous, angry, shocked….maybe its because I can’t cry. I havent cried in months. I want desperately to sink into my pillow and cry until I pass out from sheer exhaustion. I didnt really do that in a regular basis, but certainly on an as needed basis. Now I just shake. My heart races, my breathing goes from rapid to forgotten in moments. I think I need to cry. Onions may help. I’ll let you know how that goes. Maybe the shaking is related to my new coffee habit. After 25 years of being a non addict it took me less than a week to rectify that. I dont regret it but it does things to me. Im not ready to blame the coffee, Im still in denial.
So, I finally decided to get my shit together and market my photography. Im scared shitless (you thought I just said I had that together didn’t you?). I have my first shoot this Friday. She approached me and is actually going to pay me. I guess we will see if I can accept her money. God, I hope I can! I still havent gotten my last paycheck in and I am running out of IOU’s. Well, they havent said so but I think I have reached my own personal limit. I hate accepting anything. Its hard for me to do. Compliment me and I will turn away, offer to pay my rent and I will wait a week and dance around the subject and want to vomit if I actually accept. I am overwhelmed with all of the support I have gotten recently. Its a damn good thing though, since I have so many people trying to tare me down. Just in case you didnt know, I am nearly every detestable thing that you can think of. Go ahead, think of a quality that you despise in a person….thats me. According to my mother anyway. By the way, please dont talk to my mother. Im certainly not going to. Lessons learned (hey, thats a poem I wrote!).
The new roommate situation is fantastic so far. Hopefully I can give her some money so it will last. Im hungry right now but just spent my friends last qurters on….wait for it….a fucking Starbucks coffee. Yeah, my priorities are in order. Thats okay. The coffee and the friend are so much better than any sort of food two dollars in change could afford. Besides, I will eat at some point tonight and isnt that fantastic? I AM GOING TO EAT. I dont plan on throwing up afterwards either. Although, right now, I do feel like vomit.
So, I came on here with the intentions of writing a poem. Im just waiting on inspiration to hit. In the meantime, I would like to thank the planets for being so accurate. Well, Im not sure if I want to thank them or throw something at them. But at least they are accurate and they arent going anywhere (I hope?). Maybe we could do away with one or two of them, at least when they are in retrograde.
You know what. No poem tonight. Im too numb and vomit-like…and happy at the same time to really try and do anything. What a strange combination.
Thank you to the few people in my life that are steady and beautiful and supportive. I would ask where you have been in the past, but, its more like “Where was I?” And Im not traveling down that path tonight. I know where I have been, I am sorting out where I am, and I know where I am going. Working on the map slowly, but its all coming together. PLanting my seeds, growing my garden (another poem I wrote! Funny how that happens…at least to me.). Joy will return. Freedom is mine, Im just having a hard time processing it.
STILL LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE FUCK-YOU THAT IS COMING TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WANT ME SMALL SO THEY CAN BE BIG. The very best part of this FUCK-YOU is that I dont have to do anything in particular to achieve it. All I have to do is…LIVE. And, well…I finally started doing that. So watch out, a FUCK-YOU is headed your way. Not yours in particular, but to certain people.
ON that note, light and love to all. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday…Oh, Happy Valentines Day….Seriously, I wish all of you at the very least 5 whole minutes of peace. If you allow it to be, it shall happen. Yadda Yadda Yadda…Im going to go cuddle something.
The searcher
who never stopped
always seen
the end of the path
if not the path itself
the searcher
who always knew
there was more
than broken things
a whole to be
the searcher
who always believed
even if there was no belief
the searcher
who always figured
she would be searching
just found the path
the whole
the belief
the liberation
the possibility
the center
of all searching
she is found
And its all happening
she is all around
her POWER surrounds
she is found
SHE is found
SHE IS found
SHE IS FOUND!
This is the best night of my life. (2/9/2011)
Today, February 12, 2011, continues to be awesome. I have a new home, awesome roommates, amazing friends, and a lot to look forward to. Threw a block party on Facebook, now it is so much more enjoyable. Next: Car, Job, and a HUGE FUCK YOU TO MANY.
So, for a surprising twist, today I have pictures and not a poem. Well, I may try to write something really fast because I think I really like these pictures! But I am currently sitting on the sidewalk outside of Starbucks since all the chairs are taken and I am rather uncomfortable while I juggle my friends laptop on my lap! Well…I finally got a table. Seems fast, since I didnt document all the time that in between those last two statements! It wasn’t. Lets try writing something….D
For The Dreamers
Their arms reach towards the sun
Skyscrapers made of many fingers
Always stretching upwards
longing to graze the clouds
with roots firmly in the earth
Futile perhaps,
but what would this place be
but flatlands and desert shores
without the dreamers
our own skyscrapers
our believers
without hope, would be to be without redeemers
I am a skyscraper
I am a redeemer
A believer, a cloud tasting dreamer
and long after your machinery
has torn me down
My seedlings will sprout
and stretch their fingers out
rooted in soil
but ever climbing
and it is all worthwhile
Well, I can finally say I am posting a Poemicture! Wahooo! I am a step closer to my resolution of completing the hell out of 2012! Always hoping, and always dreaming.
So, I am going to share my horoscope because I find it to be a good one! Yes! They are usually pretty accurate but lately forewarn of something bad happening but then go on to say that it is all for the better. I guess I should just take that and be happy there is an upside. But I have to admit, I would rather there just be an upside without the struggle for once! I know better than to want the easy way out though. Anywho..SO I got myself a job. Nothing glamorous. I deliver newspapers, but I actually really enjoy it. Thing is, I have to depend on someone else for the vehicle and he is constantly threatening to take it away. So, by the end of the week I may not have the job but according to my horoscope all will work out very well. Whoop!
There may be some worries about financial drains from domestic and family expenses today, dear Capricorn. Avoid allowing fears and anxieties to drive your behavior now – something that is made even more likely with an approaching Full Moon. Center yourself and remember that you can handle almost anything that comes your way, and you can do so more efficiently when you’re centered.
